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(Post) Student Survival Kit

Do you remember getting a Tilburg University Survival Kit brochure as a freshman? It scrupulously listed all things you needed to know to stay alive in such a deadly environment as the campus. But the real survival kit should be handed over to you at the day of your graduation, wrapped tightly around your diploma. Here is what’s coming to you:

 

Geographical Confusion
Forget the times when you knew every bar, every bartender and every kebab selling guy in town. Now you can navigate to the gym, the tobacco shop and the nearest supermarket but if someone asks you for directions to this fancy club everyone’s talking about, you stutter worse than Colin Firth in The King’s Speech. As a last resort, not to come off as a hermit suffering from vitamin D deficiency, you declare that you’re not from here. In Spanish.

Solitude
Do you remember having awkwardly run into your crush in a supermarket while buying cheap bubbly wine and desperately trying to hide a pack of Durex Extra Sensitive behind a box of strawberries? Now you can buy a whole Voordeel pack of condoms if you wish. Your friends won’t catch you red-handed anymore simply because they all have left chasing for their dream jobs.

Starvation (and thirst)
Even on a student loan you could somehow afford countless bottles of wine, city trips every month, and those awesome, wireless Apple speakers. With your graduation end all your study grants, and so does your excuse to be tipsy on a Tuesday afternoon. From now on you will also buy full fare train tickets, pay €10 extra for a haircut and get pissed at the outrageously high prices in movie theaters. All you’re left with is a debit card excruciatingly beeping in every pin machine and a cardboard sign tied around your neck that reads:

SAVING TO PAY OFF DUO.

Published: Univers no. 11, 18 April 2013