Column

Slow News Day

The entrance door of the Prisma building ceased to work. The automatic photocell system broke down just before the lunch break. This caused much inconvenience for three University employees, who were forced to use the other entrance. One of the victims, who did not wish to reveal his identity, is infuriated: “I value my working hours too much to take such detours. I am very upset over this incident.” The University’s maintenance service ensures us that they are doing their best to overcome this problem: “We’re trying to fix it as soon as possible, but our hands are tied by safety regulations,” says the manager.

The fate of a lost sandwich is still unknown. The unfortunate incident happened at the edge of the campus fountain, when a student dropped his sandwich into the water. “The bulky slice of bread slipped from my hand. The University’s catering services should pay more attention to the size of the sandwiches they sell,” says the student. The specialists are still investigating whether the sandwich was eaten by the local fish. Univers asked an ichthyologist for a comment: “The local species is undoubtedly herbivorous. If the sandwich contained any sorts of vegetable products, it is very likely that is has fallen victim to the aquatic animals.” The student, in despair, is still waiting for more information.

A Univers columnist embarrassed herself in front of Dante building, as a summer breeze lifted her skirt. There is a heated debate about who should be held responsible for the misfortune. 52% of the surveyed students blame the unpredictable weather conditions. “The wind has caused us many problems over the years. It’s out of control and the government pays no attention to the issue whatsoever,” one of the students complains. The remaining 48% stands up in defense of the wind and hold the girl’s fashion sense accountable. “It is her responsibility to adjust her clothing to the circumstances! She should have paid more attention during selection,” says one of the students furiously. The girl also desperately tries to explain the humiliating incident: “I was going for the Marilyn Monroe imitation.” The Univers team objectively judged that this attempt has failed miserably.

Published: Univers  no 14, June 28, 2012